Well its the day before Fathers Day. Today I went to our Mens Prayer Breakfast to continue on our series called Iron Man. Today we studied the process of "Pride and Fear". One of the examples of how these two sins are faced was the story of WWII and Japan. After we bombed the living daylights out of them, They came on the ship to surrender. The key to the surrender was "Unconditional" They finally said, "NO MORE, you may do what you will with us." Soon after that you remember in history, we rebuilt all that we destroyed and today Japan is one of the most prosperous nations. This is how God wants us, completely surrendered to Him so He can build something new in us.

 This being the weekend that we all either Praise our Earthy Fathers or we shune them. Some of us, like myself, remember a father that was plagued with both of these sins. I too am plagued with these same two and of course many more sins that keep us away from our Father. Of course I am speaking of our Heavenly Father. As I look back on my life as a Father, I am ashamed to say that I continued in the same path my own father walked before he passed away now nearly 11 yrs ago. I felt like, at the time, that he knew what he was doing. Although I really didn't enjoy many parts of it. The yelling, screaming at you for being a kid, the suttle insults that came around when things didn't go the way they were suppose to in his mind. The relentless whippings that seemed to never stop once he got started. The rejection that was felt because I didn't measure up to the standard that he set before me even though I was 3 or 4. It didn't stop there. It continued on until I was 34 when he died. Now of course the whippings stopped when I turned 18, yeah,, can you believe that one. Still getting spanked at 18 because I slid on a ice covered road to avoid a stalled truck with no lights on at night. Ya, that was all my fault wasn't it. The sad thing is that I continued the cycle. Now, I tried my hardest not to go overboard with the whippings, but I am sure I gave them out more then was needed. I have asked for forgiveness of my two children, now adults themselves, but that still doesn't stop the pain nor the images burned in there minds of my explosions. I have finally recognized my Pride and Fear, but it still continues to show up each morning when I look in the mirror. No matter how hard  I try to ignore it, guess what,, it just keeps staring at me. I drive with it, work with it, even watch TV with it. I know that in order for me to keep it in check I have to make a conscience effort to keep focused on my Abba Father. I have to say to Him, "I need help. I can not handle all of the struggles that just these to sins bring with it. I rest in you to keep me close to you." Does it always work? NO ! Why is that? The same sin I just asked help on, just slipped me an excuse to try just one more time on my own.

Now, back to the point before I ran that rabbit trail. I have forgiven my father for what happend to me as a child. I have even forgiven my mother, who is still alive but lives several hundred miles away. It has given me a real peace to know that even if they never return the forgiveness, its all Gods problem. I no longer have to carry that burden. I want to be model for my two children. Matter of fact this Fathers Day should be a great one. My daughter Sarah and Craig,  are flying in today to be with me on Fathers Day. I am so excited that she wants to spend time with me. God is so awesome. As I look on this weekend I want to reflect on what my Abba Father has done for me.

I do want to take this time to thank my ex-father-in-law, Ron for standing beside me when he didn't have too. He is one that I truly miss. He understood what I was going through. He was my mentor though it didn't last more then 18mos. I love him and so appreciate all of our hours together as he helped me get started in my healing. I long for the days when I would drive to Wisconsin on the weekend to spend with him and just talk. He accepted me for me and not something that I was suppose to be. I always wanted a mentor like him. Even though I don't get to see him now since the key word in the first sentence is "ex" I still try to remember the things he would say to me. The encouragement that he was to me. I struggle with envy of the new son-in-law that gets to share time with him. I just ask God to bless him now as Dad gets to pour into him as he poured into me. I long to be the example he was to me. I know he may never see this, but Dad (Ron) I love you and pray for Gods awesome blessings on you and Mom (Donna). Thank you for loving me. Happy Fathers Day

Today I went to a Mens Prayer Brakefast the theme today was "Truth" How do we really view "Truth?" It was stated that we all take truth to our servent. We tell things that we say are truth but only as long as they make us look good. I know I am very guilty of doing this. Each day I take a piece of truth to make myself look more impressive to others. All the while, I know that if they really knew the whole truth I would be found out. Why is truth so hard to face? Why do we only want to accept what we want instead of talking about the elephant sitting in our living rooms? We talk all around it yet, it still sits right there in open view for all to see. Has satan so blinded our eyes to the fact of what truth really is that we choose to overlook it? I yearn for truth of and from God, yet the more I yearn the more I hate to look at it, truth that is. I suppose if I look, I will have to accept that fact that I am weak. I have addictions that I don't want others to see or find out about. If they do find out I strive to cover them back up. WHY? The truth of the matter is my stinkin' pride. It causes me to live a lie. A life that is unfullfilling. I read the Bible, yet I don't feel clean. I pray, but don't feel like God really hears. Has the truth caused me to run? I want more of God, yet I am afraid. I know He is always there, but my image of God has come from a example that was far from what the truth was. My father was one of the elephants sitting in the living room. We all loved him, but yet the truth about who he really was, was never told. The truth about him was ignored. Hence my reaction toward God. Will He reject me for screwing up? Will I have to continue to perform correctly each time I want acceptance? The "Truth" is,,, NO!!!! I have to continually talk my self talk that God is not that way and He wants to help without any strings. That "truth" is what I must hang on too. Now, the other "truths" I am still working on, wow,, what a struggle.... I must be true to me first then I pray for wisdom on the others.